An Eagle Soars: One Man’s Journey To Baldness

A man without a little gamble in him isn’t worth a damn. That is why Turney Hall has decided to bare his soul — and his scalp — in An Eagle Soars: One Man’s Journey to Baldness in a heroic attempt to make the world a better place for bald men. An Eagle Soars is a hilarious account of Turney’s experience with and musings on male pattern baldness as he learns to accept his own hair loss.

In An Eagle Soars, Turney searches for the meaning of male pattern baldness. He takes a trip to the public library for some insight on many of its aspects, such as scientific (how this genetic condition is a bigot that hates whites more than any other race), psychological (why young bald men may not have any hope with cheerleaders, but still have a shot with cougars), religious (how God thinks bald men are better than lepers, and won’t hesitate to unleash a sleuth of bears on anyone who dares taunt the bald), legal (how the amount of hair on your head could mean the difference between acquittal and a guilty verdict, and if your boss ever says to you, “Let’s take it outside, you bald pussy,” you better take it outside and show him who the real pussy is), and much more!

While there is a stereotype that bald men are less likeable, successful, happy, and confident than their non-balding counterparts, that doesn’t mean they should just give up on life. Instead, An Eagle Soars exhorts those who are losing their hair to accept their destiny and do their damnedest to reverse the stereotypes that plague their kind.

Of course, Turney encountered many bumps along the road to accepting his hair loss. In An Eagle Soars, you will find out how a shower, a car accident, and an ill-advised raise of his hand in journalism class opened his eyes to the world of baldness and made him wish he could jump out of the second story window without breaking an ankle or getting grass stains on his khakis; how he worked tirelessly to hide any signs of male pattern baldness by perfecting a hairstyle known as “the cascade effect;” how he imagines the baldness community is like La Cosa Nostra, and concludes that just because he liked to openly talk about baldness, didn’t mean other people did, and that he didn’t want to get whacked before he was officially recognized as a member; and, how he spent many years taking anxiety-filled trips to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription for Propecia, despite the questionability of the drug’s effectiveness and the resentment he had for the pharmacist as he stood a step above his customers like Wayne Newton performing Danke Schoen at the Borgata. But, Turney eventually decides to say goodbye to Propecia and hello to his fate. Besides, he’s a family man now, and his money is better spent on diapers and matching mink coats for his wife and him.

In An Eagles Soars, Turney turns to conventional and unconventional sources alike for the strength and wisdom to overcome his fear of going bald. He invites Larry David and Andre Agassi to an imaginary dinner for some grilled cheese sandwiches, tequila, and a boost to his self-esteem; he dusts off his neglected Bible and finds that baldness is all right with God, and thus should be all right with him; he interrupts his bald father as he picks up some valuable cooking tips from Rachel Ray for a paternal perspective on how to make it in the world as a bald man; and he has a chance encounter with a bottle of Jim Beam and a fat lady.

An Eagle Soars provides a unique blend of wit, quirkiness, and searching reflection in order to make light of and offer insight into a genetic phenomenon that affects over 35 million men in this country. Whether you are just starting to lose your hair, completely bald, somewhere in between, or not losing your hair at all, An Eagle Soars will help you realize that baldness isn’t the end of the world and make you laugh along the way. A page-turner and quick read, An Eagle Soars is the perfect complement to an evening of sipping cognac by the fireplace!